Review: Sex, Purity, and The Longings of a Girl’s Heart
Kristen Clark and
Bethany Beal (Baker Books)
As a pastor who has
worked with youth in middle school and high school for over 20 years,
dealing with the subject of sex has been integral to a balanced
approach of helping young people mature. And as a human being, I
haven’t always been the greatest at communicating on the subject. I
am always on the lookout for new material about youth and sexuality
to expand my ability to guide young people.
Baker Books provided
this review copy in exchange for a fair review. The focus of the book
is fairly apparent. This book deals with sexuality and young females.
I appreciate the forwardness of the authors in dealing with this area
of sexuality. Many people find it difficult to be upfront about their
sexuality, but it seems that the cultural history of “only naughty
girls talk about sex” has limited the frank conversations that
young women need.
The authors approach
this subject from an evangelical worldview. There are many scriptural
tie-ins. The discussion of sin and restoration through Jesus Christ
is prominent. Many of the points are supported by a verse that
directly relates to the subject. For those who share the evangelical
worldview, this book will affirm dealing with young women from that
point of view. For those who do not share the evangelical worldview,
this book will not be as meaningful or helpful.
I found some solid
points of agreement with the authors. They make the comment that lust
is a human problem. I think this is something that we don’t deal
with enough in talking with young people. It isn’t a male problem.
It isn’t a Christian problem. It isn’t a teenage problem. Lust is
something that is dealt with, usually poorly, by almost every person.
Where the subject falls short is it does not deal with the reality
that lust is a natural response. Lust is the emotional expression of
our sexual drive. It is hormonal. It ties directly into our
imaginations and our emotions. The authors emphasize lust as a
problem. Lust is a problem when we allow the corrupting influence of
sin (breaking a relationship with God and others) to corrupt our
imagination and emotions.
I affirm their
statement that intimacy is a deep need for all human beings. Intimacy
is not a sexual need. Intimacy is a psychological, mental, emotional,
and communal need. We are created for relationship with others. We
have different levels of relational needs. Each person is different
in the depth and breadth of those needs. Some people need a few
people who know them very well. Others need a lot of people to know
them well. All people have the need to be known and to know others
deeply.
I also respect their
emphasis on purity. This is an issue that has been abused in churches
and religious communities and families. Purity has been used to teach
that sex is a bad thing. Purity has been weaponized to enforce the
mentality that a girl's worth is gauged by her purity. And purity has
been aimed at a lifestyle of singleness. An authentically biblical
understanding of purity is that it is the state of relationship that
we have with God when we seek to do God’s will in our lives. Purity
is gauged by God, not by standards established in a checklist.
I appreciate that
the authors are dealing with a sensitive subject. They do not rely on
graphic illustrations. They, instead, try to use illustrations that
emphasize the struggles, pain, and brokenness that a faulty approach
to sexuality have caused. They take this message into communities and
deal frankly with the subject. This book is an extension of that
ministry.
I will admit that I
found some significant issues that I disagree with through the book.
The first has to do with the four cultural lies they enumerate. They
focus on identity, marriage, embracing open sexuality, and
femininity. I agree with their cultural misunderstanding of
femininity, but I feel that they misrepresent it when they do not
deal with the empowerment of females. Femininity is not about
exploiting the sexuality of a woman. It is about seeing the inherent
value, strength, ability, and uniqueness of each woman and allowing a
woman to be all that she can be in those.
The other lies that
they focus on are minor issues of sexuality and purity. I felt that
what was being presented is a less dynamic reinforcing of
evangelical platform issues. Instead of sexual identity being Lie
number one, there is no discussion of the separation of sex from the
sense of wholeness of self. Sex is now considered a physical
operation of the body. Women and men have learned that they can
divide sex from emotional and connected relationships. The “one-night
stand” is not a new thing. It has been cast in a new light thanks
to hook-ups, friends with benefits, and social media apps such as
Tinder.
When they deal with
the subject of marriage, they say that it is a covenant between a man
and a woman. The authors do not deal with what a successful sexual
marriage looks like. When I teach about sex, I refer back to the
three revealed purposes of sex: procreation, recreation, and
reconnection. Within the boundaries of marriage, all three purposes
of sex are fulfilled. When we remove sex from marriage, the purposes
are not as fulfilling. And when the three purposes are not fulfilled
in marriage, there are issues that arise within the relationship.
Instead of focusing on the gender of the marriage partners, perhaps
sex and purity should focus on how it is to be fulfilled in a
marriage.
Finally, the authors
emphasize how culture has emphasized, “if it feels right, do it”.
In light of the MeToo movement, the breaking of silence on decades of
sexual harassment, and the use of sex as a tool for power imbalance,
it may have been more useful to talk about how sex is a matter of “if
it doesn’t feel right, stop it”.
My biggest concern
about the book, though, is one that I have found in many evangelical
“self-help” approaches. Consistently throughout the book, there
is a strong conviction that through Jesus Christ, all things can be
dealt with in right ways. What isn’t touched on in any convincing
way is the necessity of community. This is a very “Jesus and me”
focused approach to understanding sexuality and purity. Nowhere do
the authors speak with any clear instruction of involvement with a
strong group of people to help them in the walk with Christ.
Occasionally they point the reader to find a “wise Christian woman”
to talk to. Christ built a community of disciples to train and
mentor. He sent them out in mission with partners. He reminded them
of the need for two or more to be gathered to know his presence.
There is no clear encouragement to be involved in any meaningful way
in a youth or young adult or peer group, as well as deep involvement
in a community of believers.
This really becomes
an issue when dealing with the subject of temptation. The authors
provide steps to avoid temptation. One of the most glaring things
left off of this list is an accountability partner or group. There is
no mention of finding a connection with someone who knows them
intimately, including their struggles, and allowing that person or
group to check in to see how they are doing with their maturity in
their struggles. Accountability has long been a part of counseling
males in this area of struggle. It is just as important for females.
Finally, I feel that
there is a significant area of harm being done by not addressing the
need to seek professional counseling in areas of addiction or sexual
abuse. The subject of abuse was briefly touched on a couple of
places. The final counsel is to, again, find a “wise Christian
woman” to talk to about this. There is hope that weakly offered.
There is not, however, a counsel to seek out someone who has helped
others through the struggles of healing from sexual abuse. Due to
issues that are now being identified as post-traumatic stress
disorder, there is a clear need to seek out someone who can help
navigate those wounds and paths to healing.
The authors do not
deal with addiction in any meaningful way. Pornography has been shown
to have the same biochemical markers in a body as narcotics or
nicotine. Prolonged exposure to pornography has been linked with
relational maturity. Sexual abuse has been connected to alcohol,
drug, and other forms of physical harm addictions (cutting, eating
disorders, body dysmorphic disorder, suicide attempts). Addiction is
a serious subject that needs to be addressed with young people.
I feel that the
authors are trying to do good work. I feel that this book
represents a fair attempt at trying to deal with a sensitive subject
with an overlooked demographic. I feel that it doesn’t go deep
enough to provide the full extent of help that young women need to be
healthy sexual beings in a Christian world.
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