Then his wife said to him,
"Do you still hold fast your integrity?
Curse God and die!"
(Job 2:9 NAU)
The book of Job is not a fun book. There is a lot of really challenging material to read. There are multiple voices to follow to know who is saying what. And it deals with being human in a fallen, broken world. I believe Job may be one of the most human books of the Bible.
I love Job. The book is part of the Wisdom literature, or Writings, of the old covenant or old testament. There is some evidence that it may be one of the oldest surviving pieces of literature in the material of the Bible. One thing it isn't: it isn't easy to want to live out.
Lately, I have begun to see my life through the lens of Job. I know that there are a lot of people who FEEL like Job at times. And maybe that is part of my identity - it is what I feel. But bear with me as I draw out how, spiritually, I am living a Job life in this chapter of living.
When God allows the Adversary to deconstruct Job's life, it begins very methodically. The first things that Job loses are his fields and the means to produce within them. Then he loses his sheep and the people who tend them. Third, he loses his camels and handlers. Finally, his family is killed in a freak storm. Luckily, my family is safe and healthy. But this is about the spiritual experience I am going through.
I have lost my means of produce - I found out that I will not be appointed to a new church. I have also applied to positions to give me some sense of purpose, but I have received no response to my application. Like Job, I have no means to produce the goods for which I am most adequately equipped to provide for myself.
I am losing my sheep - my wife and I are getting a divorce. That means that my financial resources are being changed. My debt burden is shifting. The governments of the United States and Oklahoma are getting a bigger chunck of my paycheck. My children are moving on to lives of their own. I will be alone in whatever domicile I end up in. No family with me.
I am losing my camels - with no appointment, I will be losing the itinerant system and all that it has provided for my moving about with security. No job, no home, no health insurance, no pension. The loss of an appointed place to go is not just a temporary setback of a paycheck. It is the removal of the system of itineracy that I vowed to uphold as part of my ordination.
Finally, I am losing my family - by coming to terms with my gender identity and sexuality, my mother and sister can't associate with the full self I wish to live into. They want their son and brother like they have known me. But I am not able to be that anymore. I am someone new and it seems this someone new means the someone they knew is dead to them.
The next round of suffering Job experienced was really my first round of suffering. Job was afflicted in body. I am afflicted in heart and mind. My mental health has been fluctuating between health and brokenness. Circumstances rise and fall that bring me to highs and lows of ability to cope. Over the time, my resilience has increased - I can deal with more and learn to cope with what happens. But I still have to admit that my mental health is not completely healthy.
There is a lot on my plate, emotionally. There is a lot to cope with and sort through. And I have a countdown clock to make some BIG decisions. July 1 is my deadline. After that, many things will be off of table for me. And people keep asking me, "How are you getting through all of this?"
Resilience is only part of it. There are some days that overwhelm me and I can't cope. But the one thing I am certain of is that my life circumstances are not a punishment. There are many "Bible believing, God punishes sinners" types who would look at my life and see a divorce, a failure to render to Caesar, and a transgender identity with pansexual orientation as plenty of reason for God to strike me with boils and take my resources.
This may be enough for some people to want to curse God and blame God for all of the bad and wrong in my life. And I know God is big enough to handle it. I know that no matter what I may throw against God, it won't stick. Even if, as Job's nameless wife begs, I call out and curse God I know God will not strike me down.
So I will maintain my integrity. That is what I have in and of myself. My integrity to be true to myself, to be true to those who love me and accept me. My integrity will remain intact to love to the best that Christ loved me those who are different in opinion and those who would hurt me. My integrity forces me to stand up for my children because they are still looking to me to learn how to be persons of faith and maturity. My integrity must be intact to live according to the code of honor I keep toward all persons.
But most of all, I keep the integrity of my faith in God revealed in Jesus Christ and personally lived through the power of the Holy Spirit. I still believe God is love. I still believe the Jesus Christ walked out of a tomb, beyond all realms of reality. I still believe in the power of the Holy Spirit to transform hearts and minds and worlds. I still believe that the call of all believers is to work toward God's kingdom here, right where we are to produce better lives for those who are overlooked, forgotten, the least, last, and lost. I still believe that God is good and Jesus is Lord, and the Holy Spirit comforts along side us in our ashheaps and midden piles.
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