There are some things that are really weird about becoming aware of being transgender.
I have to refer to myself (myselves?) in the third person a lot. "Genevieve is such and such." "Todd will so and so." It sounds like I am disassociating one or the other. Really, in some way, my mind is still moving toward integration. I am both and neither at the same time. I have to be "Todd" for some people and in some circumstances. "Genevieve" is who I love to be at home and even more in public.
For example, I went out for groceries, pharmacy, and some retail therapy. The groceries were a necessity only because it was Nick's birthday and he wanted Alfredo, so that meant buying a couple of items. But it was also a regular shopping trip. Genevieve wanted out of the house, though. And she wanted some new clothes. I went shopping at the local discount store, Wall's Bargain Center. It was relaxing to finally be able to look through the women's section without looking like a freak. It was always what I wanted to look through. Men's clothes have held no great satisfaction for me. But shopping for Genevieve - I may have unleashed a monster. Also, I still love lingerie. Todd and Genevieve have that connection.
After buying more than I planned on, I had to stop by the pharmacy. I had to pick up a prescription that required ID. And the greatest day so far in Genevieve's newly discovered to this point happened. I had to pick up a prescription for Lisa. I'm dressed as Genevieve. The pharmacist had to wait on me because the meds weren't done. When he (yes a guy) asked me for my ID, I took my driver's license out of my wallet (Genevieve's wallet) and handed it to him. The picture was taken when my beard was down to my chest, I had no glasses on, and my head was, of course, completely bald. Here is a female appearing redhead handing over a DL. The pharmacist, without really looking up, said, "No I need to see your ID." And I responded, "It is my ID." The look on his face was worth as much joy as all of new underwear I bought brought for me. He looked at me full in the face and said, "Oh, okay." And he did what he needed to do and then handed me off to the clerk.
A couple of months ago, that moment would have caused me anxiety and stress. As I stood there, claiming that the identity card showing one thing and the person standing there represented another, I had no anxiety or stress. I didn't even have any discomfort. Oh, I had a few moments during the shopping trips where I felt I was being "clocked" as a guy. And there were moments of discomfort in that. I didn't' dwell on them, though. I wasn't in those public spaces for those people to look at me, judge me, stare at me, or form opinions of me. I was in those public spaces because I had a right to be there. I had something I need to do there.
This brings me to another one of the weird things I have become aware of. When I am out and about as Genevieve I encounter a lot of feelings. One is exhilaration. It isn't the adrenaline rush of being "discovered" or "caught" doing something wrong. It is more like the exhilaration of being released and free to go do something that you weren't able to do before. At the same time that there is exhilaration, there is also comfort, peace. I am not anxious or nervous about anything. I just go and do what I want to do or need to do. There is a sense of arousal, but it isn't sexual. It is overwhelming joy and happiness and exuberance of life. I have NEVER been exuberant about life.
There are some who don't understand my need to make this transition. And the more I experience my life as Genevieve, the more I know that this is who I am and who I am supposed to be. I'm only at the beginning of her life. It means some changes to relationships and even vocational adjustment. That brings me to the third weird thing.
Every year about this time I have an overwhelming sense of anxiety, almost on the verge of panic, as the appointments are discussed and made. When I am looking at the world through Genevieve's eyes, I am not worried about the fact that nothing has come to pass for me yet. And in light of the fact that I may have to move beyond the familiar of Oklahoma, beyond the network of people I have known for a large portion of my life, I still find peace that Genevieve will find a place to belong and do what God has called me to do.
Weird, huh?
I have to refer to myself (myselves?) in the third person a lot. "Genevieve is such and such." "Todd will so and so." It sounds like I am disassociating one or the other. Really, in some way, my mind is still moving toward integration. I am both and neither at the same time. I have to be "Todd" for some people and in some circumstances. "Genevieve" is who I love to be at home and even more in public.
For example, I went out for groceries, pharmacy, and some retail therapy. The groceries were a necessity only because it was Nick's birthday and he wanted Alfredo, so that meant buying a couple of items. But it was also a regular shopping trip. Genevieve wanted out of the house, though. And she wanted some new clothes. I went shopping at the local discount store, Wall's Bargain Center. It was relaxing to finally be able to look through the women's section without looking like a freak. It was always what I wanted to look through. Men's clothes have held no great satisfaction for me. But shopping for Genevieve - I may have unleashed a monster. Also, I still love lingerie. Todd and Genevieve have that connection.
After buying more than I planned on, I had to stop by the pharmacy. I had to pick up a prescription that required ID. And the greatest day so far in Genevieve's newly discovered to this point happened. I had to pick up a prescription for Lisa. I'm dressed as Genevieve. The pharmacist had to wait on me because the meds weren't done. When he (yes a guy) asked me for my ID, I took my driver's license out of my wallet (Genevieve's wallet) and handed it to him. The picture was taken when my beard was down to my chest, I had no glasses on, and my head was, of course, completely bald. Here is a female appearing redhead handing over a DL. The pharmacist, without really looking up, said, "No I need to see your ID." And I responded, "It is my ID." The look on his face was worth as much joy as all of new underwear I bought brought for me. He looked at me full in the face and said, "Oh, okay." And he did what he needed to do and then handed me off to the clerk.
A couple of months ago, that moment would have caused me anxiety and stress. As I stood there, claiming that the identity card showing one thing and the person standing there represented another, I had no anxiety or stress. I didn't even have any discomfort. Oh, I had a few moments during the shopping trips where I felt I was being "clocked" as a guy. And there were moments of discomfort in that. I didn't' dwell on them, though. I wasn't in those public spaces for those people to look at me, judge me, stare at me, or form opinions of me. I was in those public spaces because I had a right to be there. I had something I need to do there.
This brings me to another one of the weird things I have become aware of. When I am out and about as Genevieve I encounter a lot of feelings. One is exhilaration. It isn't the adrenaline rush of being "discovered" or "caught" doing something wrong. It is more like the exhilaration of being released and free to go do something that you weren't able to do before. At the same time that there is exhilaration, there is also comfort, peace. I am not anxious or nervous about anything. I just go and do what I want to do or need to do. There is a sense of arousal, but it isn't sexual. It is overwhelming joy and happiness and exuberance of life. I have NEVER been exuberant about life.
There are some who don't understand my need to make this transition. And the more I experience my life as Genevieve, the more I know that this is who I am and who I am supposed to be. I'm only at the beginning of her life. It means some changes to relationships and even vocational adjustment. That brings me to the third weird thing.
Every year about this time I have an overwhelming sense of anxiety, almost on the verge of panic, as the appointments are discussed and made. When I am looking at the world through Genevieve's eyes, I am not worried about the fact that nothing has come to pass for me yet. And in light of the fact that I may have to move beyond the familiar of Oklahoma, beyond the network of people I have known for a large portion of my life, I still find peace that Genevieve will find a place to belong and do what God has called me to do.
Weird, huh?
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