Perhaps you have seen the painting I posted. It is a portrayal of Daniel Boone leading settlers through the Cumberland Gap into Kentucky. Daniel Boone was considered a trailblazer. A trailblazer is someone who makes a new track or path through wild and unmarked territory.
People who have been helping me stay grounded in the upheaval of life I am experiencing are trying to encourage me with the word "trailblazer". Coming out as transgender isn't new territory - a lot of people have blazed that trail. Being a clergy person isn't new - we have a history of clergy and laity who have accepted calls into a ministry of all sorts. Even being a transgender clergy person is a path that has been laid before.
For Oklahoma United Methodists, it is a new frontier. The friends who have continued to support me through this journey are doing their best to understand. My family has experienced back and forth days of dealing with each new level of expressing myself. The system is struggling to find a place for me and my unique circumstances.
Some days, it is exciting to think of pushing forward, testing the boundaries of what we are as a denominational connection. It is encouraging to take new steps and find new friends or colleagues who support this adventure. On those days, it seems that being a trailblazer is something that I could do and be. I could make a way for those who come after me.
Other days, it is just so overwhelming. I want to retreat from it all. I want to hide who I am as a transwoman and as clergy. I want to retreat into a cave and let the world pass me by, unnoticed and unwanted in so many ways.
I never considered myself as a trailblazer. I have used visionary to describe myself. I have always been the "I can see the new land over there with towns and roads and businesses and farms". I rarely thought I was very good at picking up the axe or shovel and making the way to that. I wasn't afraid to put hard work into a new idea. I just felt that there was someone better equipped to be a resource gatherer or a "Daniel Boone" who would walk in front, leading those who trusted enough to leave the comfort of the known for the mysterious unknown. I would be just behind the Boone-type. Maybe like the dog-holder in the painting.
As I journey along this new path, I don't know where I will end up. I could be making a journey into a new place where others have already cut the trail. Others have made the way possible for me to become who I feel I am called to be and authentically made to be. I may remain in this area to forge a trail for others who will follow. I may leave the ordained ministry to discover something else to do while still living into my calling and authenticity. I just don't know. And every day is a new day of discovery.
FOOTNOTE: The painting above is not realistic. This was a painting done in an era when Manifest Destiny was sweeping the nation. There was an idealistic mindset that God had ordained that people move westward to claim the frontiers of the American midlands and west. Boone forged a path into Kentucky when it was wild and dangerous. There were real threats all around them as they traveled and settled the wildlands of southeastern Kentucky.
I realize that my life is not going to be some Manifest Destiny journey of glory and sweeping transformation of the landscape. Each day is a struggle. Sometimes it is a bit dangerous. It is definitely costing me much along the way. But I believe this is the life I am called to be authentic within. No matter the cost, I still have to move forward. Where that momentum may lead, I have yet to discover.
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